A woman meeting her mother after a long absence. A family secret that has haunted her for years. Where can this all lead? Find out as our latest episode leads us down a rabbit hole of questions we might prefer to not answer.
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Welcome to Smirk. A podcast that covers society and culture through a storytelling lens. Part creative writing, part discussion, and always interesting. Each week our hosts brings a story to the show, a story they wrote themselves, which is immediately followed by discussion on the author’s moral or theme.
These stories can cover any topic the host wants to discuss, it can be lighthearted or more serious. No one but the author knows if these tales are truth or fiction, and part of the fun is guessing while you’re listening before the reality is made clear.
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Want to read Amanda’s story “What I Would Give” in full? Think you can identify the moral or theme for this episode? Read it below, and then take a listen to the podcast.
What I Would Give
It’s time. Here I am. I’m crossing my legs, fidgeting my fingers in the base of my lap, waiting for her to arrive. It’s been years since I saw her last and our last encounter left me feeling the way I have since that day 16 years ago. Alone, abandoned, afraid. Afraid of what? I don’t really know; feeling alone and abandonded again, I suppose. But we’re meeting here at this restaurant. It’s our old spot, where we’ve always gone for milkshakes and burgers. What is she gonna say when she gets here? Do I look okay, is my outfit acceptable?
I begin to look around at everyone sitting at their tables… It’s weird how much has changed since I last sat inside this place. The walls have a faded color and the people act different. I remember, about twenty years ago I was sitting here with a group of friends and we would talk about anything and nothing, all at the same time. But we always just paid attention. But now, every person here is staring at this screen. For what, I’m uncertain. It seems weird that they’ve replaced actual dialogue with tapping their fingers. They don’t seem to communicate and – oh wait, she’s here. I think that’s here. Oh no, maybe I should go. I stand up.
“Hey you”, she says to me. I don’t know what to do or how to react. Do I reach for a hug? No, that seems too much. I extend my hand to her. Wow, I think to myself. Her skin is softer than I remember, and it smells of lavender. We sit down and I just can’t stop looking at her, it’s been so long. “So.. how have you been?” She asks me. “Y’know, never better”, I chuckle. “How about you? Have things been going well?” She’s pulled out her phone as she responds, typing away. “Really well, actually – hold on one second I need to finish sending this message”.
I sit there with my hands intertwined, anxiously awaiting what we will discuss next. “Sorry about that. So what were you saying?”
“Oh, I dunno. I guess just checking in with you, it’s been a very long time. Things are really different.”
“Oh, right. Yes. Well, I’m remarried now, as of last year actually, and we live together now. I love my job, it’s great. And it’s so good to see you again”
“Wow, that’s uh – that’s uh – I didn’t realize. Well, congratulations. On all accounts.” I can’t even process how I should be reacting.
“Thanks! Oh – one more second, this is him calling!” She steps outside the restaurant. I can see her out the window. My eyes draw attention back to the room. Everyone’s head is down, not even looking at the person they’re with. When did things change? Why is there no focus anymore? You have someone sitting right in front of you, craving your attention, and you don’t even care.
She comes back in, tucks her pencil skirt down as she slides back into her seat. “Sorry again, he just wanted to check in and see how things are going”.
“Oh, it’s okay. What’d you tell him?”
“What?”
“I just mean, how do you feel this is going?
“Oh it’s fine. I just, I just needed some time. You know, I still had to take care of myself”
“Well, not just yourself”
“Well, yes, my family too”
I don’t even have any words. I’m just sitting in silence, my eyes in a daze. I’m ready to go now.
She looks at me somberly, “you were gone for 16 years honey, I had to still live my life. I’m sorry”
My thoughts are attacking me now. You still had to live your life? You’re sorry? What about when I was there, you didn’t live your life like that for me. You weren’t around like that for me. I can’t say any of this, but my thoughts are coming after me. Screw this.
“I was gone BECAUSE of you! You set me up and I took the fall because you manipulated me into thinking you cared. All I ever wanted was for you to pay attention to me, to listen to me! You didn’t give me any of that. But now, now you have a new family, and THEY get all of that? And you couldn’t even visit me once in prison?!”
“Honey… I couldn’t be affiliated with that. You know I have a reputation to uphold.”
“HA, a reputation? You care more about a reputation than you being a good person? I think I’ve had enough. You’re welcome for the 16 years in prison, mom. Be well”
Her mouth agape, I walk away. I see everyone here still sitting with their families, paying no attention to what love and possibilities they hold in front of them.
Man, what I would give…
Now, listen to the full episode as we dissect Amanda’s story.